Let There Be Light

It was around 10PM on January 2nd, I was reading the encyclopedic book on Hindutva by Aravindan Ji. Friends planned a birthday bash for me the very next day in Gurgaon. I was at my place in Noida. As I went on reading, my phone started vibrating. It was from my father. He conveyed the news, while his voice was choking. My younger grandfather passed away due to heart attack. Seldom do we find ourselves in a position where we don’t really know how to react. Should I cry or console my father? I was numb. Father hung up the call. I sat down on my bed with a bottle of luke warm water. My mind was still gathering the pieces as to what it means to whom? I was unsure! I texted 3 very close people with whom I had a certain bond. Thoughts kept on haunting me and even after an hour or so my mind couldn’t come up with any reaction to the event. QUIETNESS. That’s it.

Anyhow my phone started vibrating again at around 11:40 PM. Messages started pouring in. Birthday wishes! I did not speak much about grandfather and replies to everyone with a warming gesture. Some who knew called to enquire about my wellbeing. It was tough to envisage a day with polar opposite emotions. Such emotional conflicts when left unresolved results in frustration.

Days passed. I was still recovering myself. Whenever I was alone, mind went into capturing my conversations with him. One of few person in the family I was close to. I used to show him everything that I bough- Pencil to Phone. His approval satisfied me.

Daily phone calls at home and unable to do anything for anyone added to my fury though. Every phone call left me low and drained. My younger grandfather was lifeline of one complete unit of family. After him, they are left at themselves. Helpless! That’s another story which cannot be shared here. But the situation is dire and we could all feel that within the family.

While I was going through this emotional internal struggle, I got engaged with an individual in my personal life since December 5th. It was uneasy and incessantly inconsistent. It was only after 5 years that I gathered courage to let someone seep into my space. There were days when we came close and then days when she pulled back. I, unfortunately, got used to this pull and push overtime. Her honesty was a pulling force. Mind construed logic to stick around her as she was at least being honest. I got attached slowly. Little did I realise that this inconsistency on her part is affecting me emotionally and I was slowly getting drained out. Anyways, I do not believe in holding hand and leaving it because of one or two instances. I thought emotional tides(from both sides) would settle and things will be better.

I continued with my work and meetings without taking any break. A lot of people came to me and directly enquired about my wellbeing. For them, I was not exuberating the same energy I used to when I entered any space. I smiled and said it is all because of the harsh winters. I don’t like this weather!

Amidst this ongoing event, I received another phone call on 22nd January that my younger uncle is suffering from an irrevocable disease. None in my family knows about it given the intensity of the situation. Only me, my father and my elder uncle know. My younger uncle was the one who in many ways introduced me to the teachings on Swami Vivekananda to Pandit Shri Ram Sharma Acharya. He was an ardent Gayatri Bhakt. In joint family, you learn at every corner of house. He is not just a corner but a pillar when it comes to Dharmic Knowledge. He has two young daughters. His health is deteriorating day by day. Every day enquiring about his health gave me nightmares. Again- the worst part was that I could do little.

I was already suffering from sleeplessness. Thinking whom to talk to! What to do! Wanted to discuss what can be the step forward. None, sadly, could relate to my situation as most of them knew just parts of it.

Days passed, I was consuming each and everything with utmost humility and compassion. I was gathering whatever I had to fight the internal battle. The chapter with the girl I was indulged with was over in the first week of February. On my part I texted her something on the lines of All the best without getting emotional. I already had enough on my emotional plate.

After few days, another phone call that shook me was from my maternal uncle. He was wailing! Nani Ji was admitted. I was completely taken aback. I calmed myself. I calmed Mama Ji. I spoke to my mom to calm her down as well. I went to bed and suddenly woke up with flashbacks of 8th February 2017. Everything played out in my mind as a horror movie. We all have some pain points and healing it requires time. This wound suddenly erupted out of no where. I did not know the concept of anxiety attack till that vey moment.

From 8th February to around 25th February has been full of nightmares. I used to walk within my room whole night and sipped water every hour. I used to get chest pains suddenly. Sudden rush of sweat which would soak my whole body. I felt scared to close my eyes. Used to cry sitting in one corner of the bed. Weight started dipping. I knew all this were clear signs of depression. I needed a place where I could lie down with peace. A person with whom I could share things unfiltered. I could not convey these things back home as they were too indulged with the things happening there. I was anyways remotely involved.

The stupid mind still believed that I was close to a girl and she is the one I am comfortable with sharing my pain. I reflect back and laugh at my stupidity. Emotions blur logic truly. I texted and called her almost daily. I needed her in any way. I wanted to lean on her. I should have known that humans only stick when you are at your best, When your personality exuberates energy and uplifts others. When you are dead from inside, people let you off. I was abused with words that I never dreamt of. I was called names that cut through my soul.

I realised that I need to move back home. I had to bury my emotions and go home with a happy face. After all I have an image of being sane in even worst conditions. People expect me to hold them. A personality that will never buckle. In a way I was strangulated in my own image.

I flew back from Delhi to Patna and then Village. Sat with younger grandmother who started sharing anecdotes from Grandfather’s life. I was quietly listening to her. She broke down. Through my actions I tried conveying her that I am there for you no matter what. I don’t know what stopped me from saying this. May be I know the reality that I will be soon going back to Delhi.

Thereafter I had to face my younger uncle. I could not look into his eyes as I knew the reality which he doesn’t. I held him and smiled. I told him everything will be fine, You just come to Delhi. I will personally take you to best doctors. This is all I could say!!

Meanwhile I got fever. Temperatures ran over 102. In excruciating detail but without taking names, I told my mother what I went through in last 2 months.

Then here started a conversation I would cherish for life:

1. She reminded me of the abuses thrown at Bhagwan Ram by Bhagwan Parshuram. She reminded me of the replies of Shri Ram. Out of his respect fro Parshuram, Shri Ram took everything without an iota of retaliation. You taking all the abuses lying down shows your strength and also respect that you had for her. It is not an issue to be sad about. Just step aside and don’t interfere with her now.
2. Secondly, emotional eruption will occur. This will only make you stronger enough. But consciously create a sacred space in your life where you can spill out your emotions without being judged. This helps in retaining your emotional sensitivity. Being tough doesn’t mean being emotionless.
3. You now recognise true friends and companions amongst all. At such low point of life, there were people expecting you to get back. Trying to console you. Never leave them. Cherish.
4. Learn to acknowledge your mistake and slowly try to inculcate those learnings in your life. Needless to show where others are wrong. Take responsibility of your action alone.
5. Lastly, I am proud of you. Always remember this.

Enough said and done, I will personally cherish this time. I have grown in leaps and bounds. It is a testing time and I know I will succeed on each count. In the abode of my Kul Devi, I know that I will have a transcendental exchange. It will revitalise my Ojas. In words of some of my colleagues- When you crossed our sitting area, it felt a sudden gush of positive energy walking along with you. I am not sure how much of it is true but some phases of life breaks you only to come back stronger. This is part of human development. One must have intellectual integrity to acknowledge loopholes and slowly correct it. That’s all.

सत्येन धार्यते पृथ्वी सत्येन तपते रविः ।

सत्येन वाति वायुश्च सर्वं सत्ये प्रतिष्ठितम् ॥

This was just random jotting down of events so that I remember it. Learning and Synthesising it will take some time. I will write about the ways that actually helps to get out of it, rather quickly. For me it was 3 weeks of hassle(total loss of consciousness), for some it might be 3 months/years. Spiritual bliss helps in cutting short this 3 weeks/months to 2 or even less. Will write when Fever dips down and I gain back my strength.